I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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