Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
