I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
