You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
