Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
