so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
