for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
