So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Vodka?
Forever.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
