My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
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