Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
