I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
We left the knife in your bed.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
