He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
