Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
