At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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