u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
