My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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