Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
