dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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