I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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