All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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