My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Randomize
