Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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