why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
