i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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