It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
