I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
