There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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