everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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