He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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