RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
