last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
