You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Randomize
