Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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