Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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