if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.