Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
