i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
