There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
