ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
