I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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