I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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