i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
