vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
