Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
