HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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