the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
