3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
