WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
