Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
