i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
