Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
