I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
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I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
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THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea