One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!