Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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