That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
She told me I should be a condom model.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
