I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
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