BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
