it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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