my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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