My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
