Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
