I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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