Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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