when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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