did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
